Heavy's Sexual Escapades
by The Black Fool
Summary: You thought it was over, didn't you?
1. A Sexy Party

Once upon a time, Red Heavy Weapons Guy was being sexy as usual. He was strolling nonchalantly around a vague location with an alarmingly large erection. Manly chest hair erupted from every orifice of his being.

"What a beautiful morning!" Heavy exclaimed sexily, stroking his massive cock that was now sporting a small hat and sexy leather jacket. "What says you, Misha?" He asked of his penis, which grew a luscious beard in response. Heavy laughed deeply and patted the enormous limb.

Inexplicably, Alyx Vance appeared, wearing nothing but gratuitous spandex bondage clothing. She was sweating heavily and her toned features gleamed in the sunlight. Also, she was suspended by her feet from the roof of a nearby shed. Heavy's dick grew three sizes that day.

"Oh, woe is me!" Alyx moaned erotically. "I am held up-side-down and helplessly out of character. Won't someone come and save me from this peril?"

Heavy sauntered over to her, his face suddenly as gentle and handsome as Superman when faced with impending apocalypse. He softly grasped Alyx's slender face between his gigantic hands.

"I am here to help, my little воровка," He cooed. "I shall save the both of us from this horrible OOC horribleness."

"Gee wilikers." Breathed Alyx.

Heavy then whipped out his massive gun and, having previously rubbed it down, sprayed the roof with a violent stream of bullets. The roof collapsed, but Alyx was somehow okay.

"Oh, Mr. Weapons Guy, how can I ever repay you for saving me?" asked Alyx in a sultry manner, slipping her thumbs under the straps of her tiny spandex tank-top, the air thick with sexual tension.

"I have something in mind..." Heavy whispered in her ear.

Heavy turned Alyx around and bent her over.

"Oh, what are you going to do?" She asked coyly.

"You'll see..." Heavy said.

He tore off all her clothes and left her sleek back exposed to the hot sun. She began to heat up and sweat profusely. Heavy then extracted a humongous metal kettle and filled it with water, then set it down on her back.

After fifteen minutes, the water was boiling and Heavy had set out an extravagant tea set. He poured the boiling water into a precious China tea pot and dunked a metal ball filled with tea leaves into the water. He let it set for five minutes and removed the leaves. By this time, Alyx had sat up and had put on a thick, frilly Victorian dress.

"Suprise!" Exclaimed Heavy. "I bake cookies in your vagina!" Alyx clapped giddily.

He poured the tea out for her and himself and adjusted his monocle. Alyx nibbled on a vagina cookie.

They were soon joined by the Scout, who was also wearing a Victorian dress and also a powdered wig for some reason.

"What a beautiful day for a tea party!" Said Heavy. Scout and Alyx agreed and they enjoyed the rest of their day in peaceful silence.

The End.


	2. Love Nest

Chapter Two- The Heavy Weapons Guy Kidnaps Men

Warning- this story is somewhat based on true events.

Once upon a time, there was a simple 20 year old man who played Team Fortress 2 way too much. He took pride in his mastery of the game and pwnage of Steam n00bs, but this pride did not come without its consequences: The 20 year old man was slowly losing his girlfriend and grip on reality.

"Who needs pussy, a job, and money when I have 7 gigs of RAM and a sick graphics card?" He asked himself aloud, disturbing his grandmother whose home he lived in instead of by himself like most 20 year old men. "I fuckin' love Heavy Weapons Guy!"

Meanwhile, his girlfriend was having a nervous breakdown, as she is a physics major in college and suffering through ass-loads of Calculus, college Algebra, and Chemistry II homework.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of like! And there, before the Man, stood Heavy in all his shining, sexy glory.

"Hello, puny man! Are you prepared for ULTIMATE PENETRATION?" Demanded Heavy, pointing a beefy finger at the lazy man.

"HELL YES! I'M QUEER AS FUCK!" Shouted the man back to Heavy, who grabbed the Man and pulled him into a fantastical realm which was filled with double rainbows, hair gel, and V-Neck sweaters.

They pranced nude through fields of turtle necks and dildos, sparkling as they went. They then began to french passionately under a tree made of stereotypical gay things.

"Rest assured, my little fermented bean cake," whispered the Heavy to the Man. "The author is not prejudiced against Gays."

"How wonderful..." Breathed the Man, who in turn jerked the Heavy, who unleashed a tsunami of semen upon the field. Many flowers sprung up from the ground and beamed at the sky, then turned to each other and began humping in a ridiculous botanical orgy. The sun and the moon began to fuck wildly in the sky, and all was tremendously homosexual and many Chinese babies were adopted.

The End.


	3. Heavy and Spy's Excellent Adventure

Author's Note:

It's Spy's turn to be sexy.

Chapter 3

Heavy in Franceland

Heavy, once again, was being sexy. But this time, he was joined by Spy, who was equally as sexy, if not sexier. They were sitting adjacent to each other in wire garden chairs observing the French country side.

Spy dragged heavily on a cigarette and looked at heavy with dark eyes. "My friend." He beckoned. Heavy looked in his direction nonchalantly.

Spy coughed. "Shall we partake in the impromptu and completely nonsensical?" Heavy squealed with girlish delight. They both tore off their clothes and frolicked marrily through Paris.

Spy halted infront of the Eifel Tower, not only because his massive penis was chaffing agains the ground, but because he longed to quit fighting and return to his sexiful French cottage. He fell to the ground and wept sexily.

"Do not cry, my good friend." The Heavy said, wiping away his friends tears with a handkerchief made from his pubic hair. "I know what could make you feel better."

Spy looked up at Heavy and nodded. He stood up, a few pubes stuck to his face. "What could possibly bring me out of my misery?" he asked dramatically.

Heavy pointed to a group of scantily clad teen girls giggling and talking about friendship and clothes. "Shameless underage rape." Heavy said, booping Spy's nose. Spy gave a weak smile and mhmm'd in agreement.

Spy took on the form of a gorgeous French woman and approached the girls.

"Bonjour." He said Frenchly.

The girls began to gush over Spy's Frenchness. Spy began to get an erection from the girls rubbing their tiny bodies all over him. His massive boner caused his disguise to fail. The girls shrieked in horror at the thin French guy with a two foot penis who they were dry humping.

Spy then sprouted a Smoker tongue and devoured them.

Now that Spy had acquired a taste for virgin flesh, he began to feast upon many a fair maiden. He drunk of their sweet, untainted blood, granting him eternal beauty and health. He seduced his victims with the promise of a first bonking, trapped them in his lair, and mutilated them.

One day, he seduced a pharmaceutical student attending a university. He approached her from behind and grabbed her, stifling her screams with a passionate kiss. As the kiss progressed, he stuffed the girl in his mouth, jizzing himself with the succulent taste of her meat and fluids. He took notice of the mess his victim had made in her suprise. There were pills all over the floor!

"Pills here?" Inquired Louis, who had conveniently popped out of nowhere for the sake of that stupid, overused joke.

Spy then exploded.

THE END.


	4. Holiday Special!

Happy December, everybody. I haven't updated this train-wreck in a time period, so I figured I'd celebrate not school with a special Decemberween issue of Heavy's Sexual Escapades. Happy holidays, guys. Have a safe vacation.

(Personally, I'm Pagan, boarderline atheist, but I'm celebrating Christmas with my family. A crispy biscuit baby Jesus cornu-bloody-copia of Christmas cheer.)

Sorry if the chapter is weird and jumpy, it was written as a series of shorts, but i got bored and strung them together for a more "omgwtfbbqlol" reaction from my readers.

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***Heavy Special: A Very Sexy Decemberween* **

It was probably winter at the RED fort, and no one really gave a crap about it. Well, no one except for Heavy and Demo. Once a day, they came bursting into the Rec Room, booze and hookers in hand.

"Everyone! Is Decemberween and we celebrate, da?" announced Heavy, who sounded more Russian than usual. Demo vomited for good measure. The room was abuzz with holiday spirit all of a sudden.

The was much fucking about the room, and shots of liquor were being downed by the second. Scout had managed to peel out a floor tile and was drunkenly throwing it back and forth between himself and Sniper. Pyro had produced a shitload LSD from somewhere and locked herself in a closet in order to be spiritually reborn somehow. Medic had given himself large amounts of morphine injections and was having sex with a potted plant while Engineer threw coins at him and cheered. Heavy used the Invisible Woman as a condom and began having an orgy with the hookers and Demo. also, Gordon Freeman showed up for the first time in this whole story and did nothing significant, then left unnoticed.

Spy had way too much dignity to succumb to the weirdness of the party, so he was being sexy and mysterious elsewhere, surrounded by attractive women and expensive wine.

Soldier was forlorn after not being invited to the party. For some reason, this hurt him more than all his years of experiences in war, the Holocaust, the piercing sting of a bullet through his sternum, and the horrible guilt brought on by the existence of Micheal Bay combined. The sorrow was so great he hung himself and died, only to be respawned seconds later.

**LATER**

Mostly everyone awoke a couple weeks later from their drunken rampage, except for Pyro, who had suffocated in the closet and was in a coma. Fortunately for Spy, no one cared.

Luckily for everyone, the original hype about Decemberween was a misconception, and they all regained consciousness on the 25th of December exactly. Stupid coincidence? I think yes. Everyone in the fort had Holiday gifts waiting for them, except for Soldier, because he's a little bitch. Once again, everyone was overjoyed and Soldier drew out a ridiculous crime scene in his private quarters and stared at is sullenly for a couple hours.

'Twas a fruitfull Decemberween at RED fort, and Spy and Heavy had acquired a fair amount of video games, though none for PS3, which honestly, wasn't that big of a suprise to them. Nevertheless, they were tittering with excitement. Later in the evening, the two popped in a copy of Mario 64 and began to play.

THEN ALL OF A SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS WENT OUT AND EVERYTHING GOT VERY CAPS LOCKY.

"Oi, what's this?" inquired Demo, who was roused from his drunken stupor. Scout rushed over to the window at the back of the rec room.

"Aw, crap!" Scout exclaimed. "It's the Aldente brudders! AND THEY HAVE MEATBALLS!" everyone in the room gasped and ducked behind furniture as meatballs were falling like hail through the windows.

"I've got to stop them from destroying my home!" muttered Heavy, and he stood up heroically, brandishing his minigun. Spy gazed up at him.

'Don't do it, Heavy! Don't be a hero!" shouted Spy, fighting tears. Heavy looked down upon him, his eyes soft. Heavy gave a final wink before dashing over to the window and unleashing a storm of bulets unto the mafia below. Then, the unthinkable happened.

Heavy was struck in the head by a meatball. He whirled around and fell to the linoleum floor, dying for some reason. Medic scampered over to him with his medigun, trying his very hardest to heal the fallen Heavy. Alas, he did not prevail. Heavy died on the floor that night in a pool of marinara sauce. A viking funeral was held for him in the Dustbowl, but they couldn't find an open expanse of water, so they tied his body to a train and set it on fire.

"Good night, sweet prince, and may flights of whiney 11 year old n00bs ragequit thee to thy rest." Sighed Demo man, clutching his hat to his chest.

And the RED team was silent.

The End.


	5. Final Chapter

AN- If you couldn't tell by now, most of my stories are written impromptu in about an hours or so. /bragging

Anyway, I'm freaking sick of this story, so this is the last chapter.

I will probably leave fanfiction after EveryoneIsRight finishes her story, or I'll stay with a Spy FF or a Homestuck story. Whatevs. Look me up on DeviantArt because lord knows That's more entertaining than this.

* * *

Chapter5/Epilogue/Last Chapter

BLU Heavy's Morally Sound Goings-on

Once a time, BLU Heavy Weapons Guy was walking around with perfect posture and a handlebar moustache. He was reletively flacid, and he had no intentions of becoming even remotely erect within this story. Then, he spotted Rochelle, who was being very unattractive and fully clothed under an overhang. BLU Heavy made a note to ingore the living daylights out of her, and all was wonderously boring and Christian for the remainder of the day.

Another time, the author's ex boyfriend was playing Half Life and being completely asexual and enjoying the Vortigants be total dickweeds. And all was tremendously 5'2" and still 15 years old. The flowers became accountants and the sun filed his taxes.

Another day, RED Demoman raped BLU Heavy to death and set his corpse on fire. Everyone celebrated by ejaculating on and beating up Soldier because he is a bitch.

The Author turns out to have been a schoolgirl the whole time, Brad Pitt and Eddie Murphy make a Left 4 Dead porno in Jeniffer Love Hewitt's basement, the 20 year old man becomes straight and gets a job, and the 11th Doctor stops being a faggot.

After the story, a wrap party was held. RED Heavy comes back to life and has sex with every female video game character ever whilst using Bowser as a condom. RED Spy turns out to have been the 20 Year Old Man. Heavy and Strong Bad form a Metal Band called "Obnoxious Red Lightening Bolts." Scout loses his virginity and moves to Brooklyn where he pops a cap in someone's ass on a nightly basis. Everyone else goes on a cruise to the Bermuda Triangle and gets featured in a crappy spin off game about Backgammon.

THE END.


	6. You've unlocked a new chapter!

Forebodings

A shadowy figure creeps into the living quarters in which Heavy sleeps. The figure holds in his hand a syringe, in his heart he holds a long-lasting grudge. Carefully he steps as to not disturb the slumbering bear of a man, cautious of the objects absent-mindedly tossed on the floor. The Heavy is only inches away. The figure needs to be quick and efficient. With on fluid movement, he stabs the syringe into the Heavy's temple and sucks out the very essence of his charm. The figure straightens, pleased with his treasure. He plunges the needle into his own temple and injects himself with the essence. His posture improves. His face hardens. His penis becomes fully erect.

"Who's the bitch now?" the Soldier inquires of his sleeping victim.

HEAVY'S SEXUAL ESCAPADES 2: THE SEXENING

COMING SOON


End file.
